This has easily been the best decade of my life so far. (I guess I’m really only working with two full decades though…) That said, it’s hard to believe I was suffering from panic attacks and crippling anxiety earlier this year which led me to a mild bout of depression. Unless you’re one of my closest friends or family members, you might not have been able to tell. That’s the tricky thing about mental health. It’s not outward facing and it’s hard for society to spend much time talking about something that no one can physically see. I want to come back to this, but first, let’s go back to 2010 and go on a little ride, shall we?
In August 2010 I headed to college at the University of Delaware. I’m not being dramatic when I say freshman year changed my life. At my small, private high school, I was a shy, nerdy weirdo with very few good friends. I never felt good enough or cool enough and it showed in my confidence. When I headed to college, I decided this was the perfect time for a clean start to be myself. I would finally be breaking out of my small school circle and meeting all new people who knew nothing about me. I had nothing to lose. Being myself led me to making amazing best friends and having the time of my life. With this newfound respect for myself, I was finally able to think about what I wanted to do with my career.
I love writing and I always have, but I wasn’t sure where to channel that energy. After graduating from UD, I interned in NYC while applying to graduate schools for journalism. This led me to Colorado where I’m lucky enough to live now. My next goal became graduating with my master’s degree which I completed in May 2017. With another milestone checked off my list, the next to-do was find a job. I acquired a job at CU Boulder, where I got my graduate degree, and I am eternally grateful for such a wonderful first “adult” job, if you will. But this is where things got a little iffy in my brain.
It took me a long time to understand why, after accomplishing so many things to be proud of, I was suddenly feeling a constant internal panic alarm going off. I finally realized that this was the first period of my life where I wasn’t working toward a goal. Every year prior to this, there was technically an end destination or date that I was heading toward. Bachelor’s degree, check. Internship, check. Master’s degree, check. Job, check. Congrats, this is life now! I began to think in the mindset of: is this really all there is? I just work and exist now? I spiraled.
I think our society, more than others around the world, is not so great at encouraging us to take time to do the things we love. The narrative is work hard and long hours to make it to the top and that is the definition of success. I’ve decided that’s not what success looks like for me. I need to be emotionally fulfilled before anything else and this year was dedicated to working on that. I started journaling. Made goals. Got a therapist. You know the drill. But I also had an important realization. The milestones that I had assigned so much value toward my worth weren’t technically the best or most important parts of this past decade.
The past ten years have been filled with so much laughter and love. Making friends and staying up too late with them for drunken giggles or heartbroken tears. Sweating in the sun at music festivals and learning the true meaning of sleep deprivation. Watching friends fall in love, get engaged, get married and have children of their own. Spending time with family celebrating traditions and coping with loss. These are the milestones I had to remember to get back in touch with. Doing so puts a little less pressure on constantly reaching for the next big thing.
Life is hard. We all know that. It’s also so beautiful and I am so grateful for a year like this one that helped me remember that.
We got this. All my love to anyone who took the time to read this ❤
Lauren Price 